#wcw | Jessica Boyda

I fear gaining weight and I fear getting “fat.”

I threw up my food when I was in middle school.

I leave a trip from being with my sister Nichole, and I cry.

I save a lot of money because I’m afraid I won’t make enough money with my business to pay my bills.

People make me feel like a failure if I don’t leave the state of NY.

I left my snowboard gear in Colorado with an ex almost 4 years ago and I still fear making that call to get it shipped back.

I hate when people make me feel guilty.

I almost got a tattoo with someone and we don’t even speak anymore.

I have a lot of negative people in my life who are addicted to negativity. I’ve been working on shying away from them.

I am sensitive and I overreact to everything.  I feel everything so deeply.

I cry a lot, but not in front of people.  I hide in the bathroom.

I felt used in every relationship until the one I have now.

In some of my friendships I feel I am only their friends to benefit them in some way.  I have a hard time believing people care about me.

When I visit Chicago I really don’t miss the city.  Just the people.

I have terrible anxiety.  I hate public speaking and I nearly faint when I do.  Or I just laugh at everything I say and people give me the deer in headlights look.

The things I wish I could change about myself are my nose, teeth, and stomach.

When I look in the mirror all I see is fat on my body.  People think I’m crazy.

Self esteem is something I never had and I am now learning to grasp self confidence.

I love wine, but I can’t get wine drunk any longer as it makes me an angry drunk.  Beer is the way to go for me.  When summer rolls around I stalk the shelves for Summer Shandy.

I’ve flown over 50 times yet I still get anxiety and cotton mouth on the plane.  The last flight I was on was an express jet and I thought we were going down for sure.  I was drenched in sweat when I got off the plane.

I used to dream of becoming a model, but then I realized I wasn’t tall enough.

I bottle up my anger then I explode out of nowhere.

I am now starting to be comfortable with my body, at the age of 23.  Why is this taking forever?

Words burn.  There are some words people have said to me that will stick with me forever.

I recently took a trip to Mexico and it changed my life and attitude about everything I had planned for myself.  I guess thats why people say “plans never work.”

I love traveling.  I love adventure.  Yet I was afraid to snorkel on my recent trip to Mexico.

My boyfriend (Tim) is a police officer.  I am very proud of him for that.  But I stalk my phone at the end of his shift and am relieved when I hear from him.

I made an agreement with Tim that when we are settled, or not settled, we will dart a map once a year and travel to wherever it lands.  I fear not seeing the world.

I love my 2008 Ford Escape.  I purposely got an older escape because I felt like it looked sportier and less girly than the new ones.

I’m in $34,000 of student loan debt.

I recently learned to paddle board and there is nothing stopping me from buying a board and throwing it on a credit card at this point.  I’m in a lot of debt anyways.  Thats logical, right?

My days used to start at 3pm.  But now they start around 9am.

Tim and I recently looked at a home in Bemus Point.  I cried when we drove away because I see us living in that home and I fear we won’t be ready to buy.

I was a hermit growing up.  Anti social.  I stayed in my room all day and night and would pop up for food and some sun every once and a while.

I live 2 blocks from the lake.  I could never imagine a life that is not near a body of water.

I believe a beer with my parents is appropriate at any time of the day.  Others may disagree.

I eat pizza at least twice a week yet.  Yet I complain about my weight.

I yell at Tim about the house being a mess… but really I probably make most of the mess.  Sorry love!

My mom still does my laundry.

Looking for the approval of my parents and friends is a trait I have been carrying for far too long.

Tim and I have an Alaskan Malamute named Kemba.  Who we call Prince K/Kembie.  He’s had two surgeries already because he ate crap that got stuck in his intestines.  He is not even 8 months yet.  He’s an expensive dog.

I cannot wait to experience pregnancy.  When the time is right.  But I fear being a bad mother who won’t get up for her newborns feedings.

I have become a hermit in 2014 and some of 2015.  Maybe because of the exhausting winters here in Buffalo NY?  Or maybe because I’ve been someone I wasn’t for so long.

I somewhat remember smashing my hand through a window on accident when I was younger.  I remember getting the stitches out and I didn’t cry.

I recently turned down a M-F 8-5 job that paid $9 an hour.  In the interview they asked me what my life goals were, and I gave them a bunch of bullshit.  I stared off into the distance during that interview with a gut wrenching feeling that this was the wrong path.

My dad wrote in a journal when I graduated high school and said “I see the good in everyone.”  I think my life changed in my 20’s but I am now starting to finally see the good again.

If you are reading this on June 10th, just know that it is my 23rd birthday.  And I am probably drinking beer and eating chicken wings with my childhood best friend, and eating a cupcake out of a jar from “Wicked Good Cupcakes.”

When I decided to move to Chicago at the age of 18 I had no clue what I was in for.  I had so many challenges and life experiences while I was there.  When I moved home at almost 20 I think I was lost for a really long time.  I haven’t felt myself until recently (literally two weeks ago).  I was looking for the approval of others, constantly questioning myself, and lashing out on people.  But now I feel a change in pace.  The trip I took to Mexico recently has changed me for the better.  I stayed with a painter who quit her job out of nowhere and decided to live life minimally.  You can be happy while having little.  I witnessed it.  Jeeze, I miss her and her happiness as I write this.  This trip gave me passion for my personal work again.  It made me appreciate the non-material things.  And it also made me appreciate and love myself more.  I now feel less guilty about doing things that make me happy.  It made me not make money one of my first priorities.  I questioned if I would be happy once I got home from Mexico because I was in such a lost state of mind before I left.  Well, I feel elated.  I want everyone reading this to know that you deserve to be happy.  You deserve to be passionate about your work and your life.  You deserve to not feel guilty about living a life you want.  You do not need to fall into anything that doesn’t make you happy.  So cliche, but life is too short.  Love the life you live.  Do good for your soul.  And if there is any advice I can give to a lost soul out there, don’t make any set plans for yourself.  They never work out the way you want them to.  Its more fun not knowing anyways.